jared.brodsky

DUE  TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE

EFFECTIVE  AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE  POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are  advised to come to work dressed according to your  salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada  shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing  well financially
and therefore do not need a  raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to  learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer  clothes, and
therefore you do not need a  raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are  right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a  raise.

Sick Days:
We will no  longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you  are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come  to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee  will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are  called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom  Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent  in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time  limit in the
stalls. At the end of three  minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet  paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and  a picture will be taken. After your second offense,  your picture will be posted on the company bulletin  board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone  caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the  company’s mental health policy.

Lunch  Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get  30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so  that they can look healthy.

* Normal size  people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to  maintain their average figure.

* Chubby  people get 5 minutes for lunch, because  that’s all the  time needed to drink a  Slim-Fast.

Thank  you for your loyalty to our company. We are  here to  provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,  complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations,  contemplations, consternation and input should be  directed elsewhere.

-The  Management